I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Randomize