Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
