new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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