I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Randomize
