How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
