So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
