it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Randomize
