i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
