FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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