everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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