So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
