Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
