I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
