I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
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