I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
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