Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
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