Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Randomize