Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize