I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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