The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
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