I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
