Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
