My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
This is my gift to your gina
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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