I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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