**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Randomize
