and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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