I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
