When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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