I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize