I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
