Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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