im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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