hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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