cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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