And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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