Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
