I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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