Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
