he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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