The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
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