I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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