She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Randomize
