I can't breathe out the right side of my face
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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