I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
