i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
it glows. i had to have it.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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