my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
