Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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