Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
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