he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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