i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
