you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
