I'm so fucking centered right now
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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