Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
