Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
