all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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