Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
this hospital has no fireball
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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